Parenting the Child of Trauma, Abuse and Neglect

Over the past few months we have done some reading and research about kids who have experienced abuse and neglect. We can understand how children in orphanages around the world who are tied to a bed with little care and human contact can have long lasting problems, but what is not so obvious is the same type of neglect from an alcoholic mother.

"Our kids" are very fortunate to be quite smart, however they do exhibit some of the physical characteristics of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. What is more hidden is the psychological effects.

This type of abuse and neglect leads to a host of problems for the child and there are a couple that I would like to talk about here.

1) They learn very early that adults are not to be trusted to take care of them, therefore they must be in control of everything around them otherwise something horrible might happen to them.

2) Their little lives are so miserable that this becomes "normal" for them, a they will revert to this feeling to feel comfortable in a given situation.

What does that mean for "our kids"? In order to begin to heal the wounds, we must throw out all we thought we knew about parenting. Techniques for parenting these kids are in some ways opposite to what you might do for "normal" kids.

We have learned that we have to limit their activities in certain areas until they mature and learn how to act. If they are not able to handle a certain situation they will do what they know best; be disruptive, hyperactive or insolent.

It will take time for them to learn how to act or react and if we expect changes in their behavior too soon, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Allowing them to be in situations that they are not prepared for is only setting them up for failure and ourselves for frustration.

Now that we are in our "back to school schedule" we only have the kids on weekends. These new parenting techniques are time consuming and exhausting. They may seem rather harsh to others who do not understand. But then there are the rewards.

Last weekend Charlie spent an hour on my lap while he struggled to get over his bad attitude. During that hour he told me over and over how much he hated me. Then he spent another hour sitting at the table until he finally gave in. Later in the day he was looking at the calendar wanting to know what date it was. When he discovered that it was Saturday he said "Yea! That means another whole day here!" I wanted to cry!

We hope that by sharing some of the struggles along with the achievements of "our kids" that those around us who care so much for these kids will understand when they don't act in the way that "normal" kids act.

We ask for your patience with them and with us as we learn how to help them best.

Until next time . . .

Stephanie